Repost From 2020: Chemo For Christmas
Chemo for Christmas

Been feeling pretty shitty the last two weeks. new rash appeared on my back a few days ago and after ignoring it for a few day I finally consulted my doctor. Turns out, its shingles. Thank Goodness I was fearing worse! This feeling reminded me of getting rediagnosed a few Xmas's ago.
I wrote this blog after getting redignosed with Sarcoma at the end of 2020. I like to go back and read this stuff sometimes as a reminder from where I have been and how far I've come. Xmas is also a hard time for me because it brings up a lot of bad memories and worry about making to the next christmas. Gotta remember to live in the moment the best I can and make as many fun memories with my familt that I can with out going broke! Merry Xmas eveyone! Enjoly it!
In a year where Covid pulled its pants down and took a big, smelly, runny shit all over everything, I was more excited than ever for the holidays to come. While things would be celebrated differently I couldn’t wait to make my kids smile on Christmas day. Just before Thanksgiving I went for my quarterly cancer scans at Dana Farber. Glowing on the MRI like the star on top of your tree was another tumor in my shoulder. Over the next few days I’d learn that the “Red Devil” would be coming back into my life and another surgery was going to fuck my arm up again. The Red Devil is the nickname for a chemo drug they use for sarcoma. For those of you that haven’t experienced the joys of chemo, I'll just tell you that it sucks about as much as you think it would. The nausea, exhaustion, and mouth sores aren't fun, but I find the worst part to be knowing how much damage these drugs are doing to my body and not knowing if it's actually going to help get rid of my cancer. It’s basically playing roulette but without the fun and free drinks.
The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. As a kid I was lucky enough to have parents that had the means and the will to make this time of year memorable for my sister and I. As I got older and had my own kids it got more stressful. Mostly for my wife who does pretty much everything for Christmas but I have to live with her, sooo..... Anyway, it’s still an amazing time to connect with family and friends.
So what do you do when Santa comes down the chimney and hands you a box of fuck you for Christmas? You just deal with it! It’s not easy or the way you’d like it, but it’s another reminder that you don’t get to decide certain shit. But, I do get to decide on my holidays and what I want them to be. Part of me wanted to hide in a dark room and sleep through them hoping when I woke up the nightmare would be over. I let myself do it for a day, but the darkness eventually fades and the positives of the situation rise to the surface. I no longer struggle with the reasonable and rational side of me that has guided pretty much all my choices in life. The questions that we all face like; Should we spend that much money on gifts?, Should we let the kids stay up to midnight on New Years Eve?, or Should I have one more cocktail pass-out on the couch watching shitty MTV reality shows? Have very obvious answers this year. Steak, lobsters, and champagne fueled the Covid New Years party with the family and the 5 and 7 year old stayed up later than the adults: that's exactly how it should be. Not just for me in this circumstance but for all of us: Because when it comes down to it: WHY THE FUCK NOT!
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