Dear Dave Portnoy
Dear Dave Portnoy,
I write to you out of desperation!
In fact, this is not the first time I’ve written to you out of desperation. A few years ago, in the peak of my cancer journey I fired off this email to you.
I was in the midst of fighting for my life a second time and all I could think of was how lucky I was to have a loving family, supportive community, beautiful home, and good health insurance. Yet, cancer was still kicking my ass and making life feel insurmountable. I thought about the people battling this disease that were less fortunate than me and how I could help them. I guess you were too busy choking 20 year olds to read my email. It’s ok, I forgive you.
Months went by as I struggled at a snail’s pace to get the courage to start my podcast. I set out to do 6 episodes in 2024. That process was accelerated when Kirk Minihane generously inviting me to kill myself at a live show. Not how I was planning to go out, but at least it would get me on his show and possibly help get eyeballs on my newly launched side project. That led to a follow-up appearance on KMS with that loveable loser Mutt from Mutstack.com. That led to the hilarious moment on the Unnamed show when Kirk first introduced us.
After that appearance I decided to write this blog explaining my relationship with Kirk’s show.
(see previous blog)
I was proud of the blog. It got lots of views for a nobody like me. Even Amy Poehler's brother Greg complimented it on twitter.
I won't lie, getting a compliment from a creative genius’s brother went straight to my head. Feeling over confident I fired off a message to the boss man!
At 3:52 PM on October 22, 2024 I was strung out on a dopamine bliss. by 3:54PM I knew I’d fucked up. Twenty four minutes later I probably took a hit of my doctor prescribed dopamine bliss and tried to smooth things out.
I kicked the tiger in the ass and had no plan for when he turned around.I foolishly entered a game of chess with a grandmaster.
Since that message, Kirk has spent months teasing me with live show videos, trips to Uconn games, the Minifan of the Year Award, and even implying he would help raise money for cancer survivors yet doesn’t respond when I asked what his February looked like to book him on Stage5.
PS. Enlightened Sucks! Couldn’t get through the first episode.
Recently, some topics on the show have had overlapped with my real life. Probably just strange coincidences, but lines have blurred and things are only getting fuzzier. I’ve consulted my doctors about a potential TBI.
First Mutt does a terrible show at my favorite casino with a guy named Eitan. Check.
Don't be a narcissist! They aren’t talking about you.
Then a Daily Dozen where all the answers somehow can all be applied to me ? NO WAY
Great score! Didn’t know the mashup but it looked familiar.
This Brings me to why I’m writing to you again out of desperation, hoping you’ll see this between your sexual escapades. I’m starting to wonder: Is my wife criticizing the cleanliness of my car a troll job? Is the student teacher that's done nothing but watch Breaking Bad in my office for weeks a KMS plant. Is Mick bitching about having to pay for his live show tickets something I may have said to a close friend while indulging on some Dopamine Bliss… who's to say. I could go on: phone call, John Lithgow jokes, John Fanta may or may not be involved, but when you have a terminal illness it doesn’t take much for friends/family to start thinking you’ve lost your mind. That happened a while ago, but now I’m starting to think they'er right.
Dave, you're the only person that can save me (Dying Guy) now. I messed with the wrong man and I admit defeat. Either you hire me at Barstool and help me turn my dream into reality, or Dying Guy pulls the cord and goes away forever……… Ethernet Cord that is.
Before you decide, keep in mind that your audience is full of people like the Donavans that could really use some help. There is a 25 % chance this is just Dave Cullinane catfishing me, but it didn’t stop me from donating.
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