top of page

Cancer or Kirk Minihane


The Kirk Minihane Show Premiered in 2019 around the same time I was diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma. In the following years, as my tumors started growing and spreading throughout my body another sinister disease was lurking. Barstool was slowly being infiltrated with KMS disease: a rare condition only known to Minifans.  KMS disease is when a listener falls victim to endless hours of Kirk’s funny banter, angry ranting, bi-polar mood shifts, prank phone calls, and parody songs, along with the general understanding that anything is possible whenever Kirk is behind a microphone.  The Show becomes all too real infiltrating your every thought to a crippling level.  Like cancer, it’s claimed the life of many barstool legends including Ellie Schnitt and Kmarko.  The good news is that like my cancer, KMS disease is treatable.  Blind Mike and Justin Trudell have shown that a healthy dose of time away from the show, along with a terrible diet and rapid weight gain seems to do the trick for most patients.  Throw in a little Better Help and a few fencing classes and you’ll be fine by morning. 


Kirk, Steve, Mike, Justin, and Dave began keeping me company during my hardest times.  My life quickly became an endless amount of waiting rooms, chemo drips, hospital stays, and long car rides. My wife and family stepped up to accompany me through as much of it  as they could, but there were still plenty of moments spent alone dealing with my pending mortality.  When it all became too much to bear;  the noise canceling headphones went on, the newly prescribed edibles were consumed, and the wacky world we call the Miniverse took over.  It was the perfect parallel universe for a life that felt so bad it had to be an unpredictably cruel joke.  


The years went on and my tumors spread and grew throughout my body the same way that  KMS disease continued to progress throughout the company.  Kirk’s world started expanding, he won minigolf,  then trivia, and then the hearts of his Co-workers.  Barstool learned what cancer patients (and Minifans) have known for years, the longer you allow Cancer (or Kirk in this case)  to hang around the more it becomes part of you and the harder it is to get rid of.  


Then the KMS show started expanding. Phone calls started to be taken, parody accounts on twitter started popping up everyday, live shows started to be planned, video streaming replaced audio, and new characters like Montante, Julie, and Yellowshirt Guy started appearing in the studio. These developments led to a new symptom of KMS disease not previously known to doctors.  KMS-FOMO spread rampant throughout the miniverse.  All of a sudden Muts back and creatures like Gus, The Drips, Mick, and Coleman can't stay away.  


I too fell victim to KMS-FOMO, combined with my progressing cancer I desperately wanted in the world and out of the hospital.  I downloaded twitter, created a parody account and jumped in. After months of squandering in twitter oblivion I became sicker, the pain got so unbearable that  I felt death sneaking in like John Rich after chugging a Strawberry High Noon and awkwardly crashing the KMS show at the NY office.  I thought it was my last Christmas, there was no way I could make it another year: All Hope Shattered!   


Then, out of darkness two unexpected heroes came riding in on a white horse to save me. First in the saddle was a big gray pill named Votrient that started shrinking my cancer but turned me into Ozempic Santa that was late for Christmas because he shits liquid out his ass 32 times a day. The Doctor that delivered the news that the medicine was working said that they “never see this happen”.  Elation filled the room as my wife and I cried with joy and let out a sigh of relief that was building up for three years. 


 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Close Enough!



Behind Votrient in the saddle was a man that could have stopped the Boston Marathon Bombing but chose not to: Kevin Cullen.  As Kirk explained to Dave and Whitney on the Unnamed Show last week, Cullen is an enemy of Kirk’s who wrote the article that propelled Kirk to call out for me!  I was the man that could cement Kirk as the king of kings! A dying Minifan that was willing to end it all at a live show.


I fired off this DM:


   




20 minutes later…. This:





There was that feeling of elation again!! Followed by instant dread as I realized I was going to have to explain what I just did to my wife.


Fast forward to last Wednesday when I made my second appearance on the KMS show with another radio legend Mike Mutnasky.  It was awesome to be in the studio with Kirk and Mut and I left just happy to have another chance to hang out with the guys and thrilled Kirk didn’t ask about killing me.  After a quick check up at Dana Farber Cancer Center and a two hour car ride, I arrived home ready to pass out from exhaustion and dreading waking up for work in the morning.  


The next day I stumbled through my front door and plopped on the couch, totally exhausted from the day before, and the lovable yet rambunctious 7th graders in my third period class.  I opened twitter and the first thing I saw was the clip of Kirk, Dave, and Whitney talking about me (dying guy) on the Unnamed show.  I was shocked, and missed my dad coming in the door with lunch for us.  We started the clip over and watched it for the first time together.  We laughed till we had tears, for the first time in a while they were the good kind: Happy Tears!  


So will I go through with it? Will at the end of my very long life (just get me to 39 Im almost there baby), when I am to senilel to run for office, but still just sharp enough to be President.  Will I allow Kirik to; dress me up like Bob Murchinson, force me to my knees, press Kamals’ glock against my head and pull a small needle out of his pocket and gently stick it into a clean and disinfected patch of skin… stay tuned! 


3,114 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


Contact

  • Twitter
  • Youtube
  • Instagram

Thanks for submitting!

© 2035 by by Leap of Faith. Powered and secured by Wix

bottom of page