The 2026 Cancer Championship

Here at Stage 5 we have had two things on the brain recently. 

You got it:

1. Cancer (never leaves no matter how hard I try)

2. Basketball (It's March Duh!)

Obviously, the only logical thing to do when your two obsessions align is to ask Grok to seed the top 64 cancers into a NCAA bracket and get debating.

Grok decided to rank them by lowest over-all 5 year survival rates.  So without further adieu the bracket.

Introducing the East Region: The Reproductive Region 

Round 1 Match ups:

1. 1 Pancreatic Adenocarcinoma Vs. 16 Basal Cell Skin Cancer

Pancreatic Adenocarcinoma

Notable Wins: Alex Trebek, Steve Jobs, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Patricia Minihane

Notable Losses: Kay Kay’s, Kitty Swink

16 Basal Cell Skin Cancer

Notable Wins: ??? 

Notable Losses: Hugh Jackman, Andy Cohen, Ewing McGregor, Diane Keaton

We Tip-off with an absolute blowout.  Pancreatic Cancer continues to put up big numbers year after year.  They are not a flashy #1 seed making headlines with top of the line NBA talent, but these guys just know how to get the job done.  Notorious for slow starts opponents get lulled into a false sense of security until the late stages of the game.  They are the best in the world at crippling opponents down the stretch;  responsible for about 52,000 deaths annually.  They find their competitors' weaknesses and press on every painful nerve until there is nothing to but pound the Morphine button and beg for salvation. They are the Michigan State of cancers; always making deep tournament runs, never apologizing for slamming the door shut on their victims' dreams.

Basal Cell Skin Cancer is a newer program to Division I and is pervasive among the warmer sunnier schools.  They play a nagging style that can irritate opponents in stretches, but they have a lot of growing to do if they want to compete for championships.  Unable to close out games against the weakest of their league rivals –Rosie O’Donnell, Khole Kardashian, and Dave Portnoy– I don’t expect them to scratch the surface.

2. 8 Stomach Cancer  Vs. 9 Galblatter Cancer 

 Stomach Cancer

Notable Wins: Napoleon Bonaparte, John Wayne, Fred Rogers, Toby Keith 

Notable Losses: Hans Rueffert

Galblatter Cancer 

Notable Wins: Jack Lemmon, Andy Warhol, Sun Yat -sen

Notable Losses: Annemarie Wiley

We have a 8 vs 9 match up that is sure to be a gut buster. Stomach comes in at the higher seed as a result of their 660,000 Global wins this year.  Gallbatter only took down 89,000 of its opponents this season; they are 2.5 pt favorites on DraftKings Sportsbook due to their ability to persevere in the clutch.

Both these teams come into the tournament hot and this might be one of the more difficult games to predict.  Stomach is easily scoutable, there's no big secrets, they want to get the ball inside and make you queasy from the tip. But a well coached opponent should be able to counter and jump out to an early lead.  

Gallbladder plays a different style of game. They can scheme you to death and before you realise they infiltrated all aspects of your defense.  In close games these guys shoot free throws at a 92% clip in the final stages.   

3. 5 Esophageal  Vs. 9 Anal 

 Esophageal Cancer

Notable Wins: Tracy Braxton, Ed Sullivan, Humphrey Bogart 

Notable Losses: Eric Davis, Noddy Holder, DeeDee Rescher

Anal Cancer 

Notable Wins: Farrah Fawcett, Bob McCurdy, 

Notable Losses: Marcia Cross

Both cancers enter the tournament with high hopes for late runs, but one is certainly going to have an early and unexpected exit.  Esophageal has struggled in recent years leaving a bitter taste in fan’s mouths that's been tough to swallow.  The same is true for Anal, whose loss in the elite 8 last year left fans holding the colostomy bags.  The great Dick Vital will be on the call for this one and he was certainly excited when speaking with Stage 5 earlier this week. 

“I can’t wait to dive deep into both these teams.  It promises to be a Super Sensational feeling in what should be a really back and forth battle.” 

 -Dick    

Grab the popcorn and your ankles folks this one is going to get messy.

4. 4 Hepatocellular  Carcinoma (HCC)  Vs. 13 Vulvar Cancer 

 Hepatocellular  Carcinoma

Notable Wins: David Bowie, Gregg Allman, Mickey Mantle, 

Notable Losses: Evel Knievel, Larry Hagman,

Vulvar Cancer

Notable Wins:  Ashley Forrester, Isobel Florence

Notable Losses: Clare Baumhauer

A second on the lips will spell a lifetime in the pits for one of these teams.  Hepatocellular Carcinoma (liver cancer) has a reputation as the party school of the Ivy League. Once a powerhouse in Division I, HCC has fallen off in the last few decades as high level recruits are opting for other stress relievers and no longer need the liquid courage once required to put their opponents down. This will open an opportunity for the all girls school, Vulvar, to slip into the second round.  The Lipless Ladies will need to box out to make a run all the way to the Final 4.  

5. 6 Malignant Mesothelioma  Vs. 11 Ovarian Cancer 

        Malignant Mesothelioma 

Notable Wins: Steve McQueen, Merlin Olsen, Paul Gleason 

Notable Losses: Sissy Hoffman, Paul Kraus, Stephen Jay Gould

Ovarian Cancer

Notable Wins:  Gilda Radner, Cassandra Harris, Ella Grasso

Notable Losses:  Kathy Bates,Shannon Miller, Rosa DeLauro

#6 Mesothelioma is likely to dominate this matchup from the chalk toss.  If Ovarian doesn’t lay an egg in the first round they might get the highly anticipated 4th meeting of the year with Urethral in what promises to be a Big Genital Bloodbath.  While fans would like it to be that time of month again, it's doubtful as Mesothelioma comes in way under seeded (over seeded??) and looking to keep their foot on the gas and up its opponents ASSbestos.

6. 7 Small Cell Lung Cancer  Vs. 14 Urethral  Cancer 

        Small Cell Lung Cancer (SCLC) 

Notable Wins: Dustin Diamond, Joe Crocker, Bob Uecker

Notable Losses: Maida Mangiameli, Yuvraj Singh

Urethral  Cancer 

Notable Wins: Doug Yule,

Notable Losses: N/A

SCLC smokes its competition in this first round match up as Urethral’s season comes to a screeching halt. Look for SCLC to beat the piss out of Urethral early and often. Urethral’s head coach was discharged last season because his Stop and Go style offense left the seat down on the rim causing it to be the wrong kind of wet.  Urethral will need a stiff performance from sharp shooter Zack Morpiss if they hope to be saved by the chemo bell.   

7. 7 Intrahepatic Cholangiocarcinoma (iCCA)  Vs. 10 Penile Cancer 

 Intrahepatic Cholangiocarcinoma (iCCA)

Notable Wins: Ned Eisenberg, Walter Payton, Dave Strader

Notable Losses: Randy Moss

Penile Cancer 

Notable Wins: John Holmes, Jake Abraham

Notable Losses: Ronnie Patterson, Jonathan Little, Varys (Spyder, Eunuch)

Penile looks to give the notoriously dirty iCCA the partial shaft in this opening round showdown.  ICCA hopes to avoid turning yellow again in this year's tournament and cement themselves as the GO TO liver transplant receivers.  I don’t think Penile will be worried about low blows and off ball contact that iCCA is known for.

8. 2 Glioplastoma Multiform  Vs. 16 Vaginal Cancer 

 Glioplastoma Multiform

Notable Wins: Micheal Bolton, Jason Collins

Notable Losses: John McCain, Ted Kennedy, Kelly Mack

Vaginal Cancer 

Notable Wins: N/A

Notable Losses: N/A

If Peniel can ejaculate into the second round we might have a diaper dandy between them and first time tournament goers – The Virgin Vaginals– can squirt out a victory over Gliopastoma.  It seems unlikely as Glio is a heady, and cerebral group. These two moody groups should play mind games with each other.  The Virgin Vaginals has a reputation of keeping its opponents dry from the inside and outside.  Glio’s coach has been shouting into his players Craniotomy to have a short memory and continue playing no matter the score. Glio Should be through to round two and might face off with Penile to determine what head rains supreme in March.